Post #809 – February 1, 2019

Annoying Phrases in Emails

A poll by Adobe has uncovered the most annoying phrases to receive in a work email.  It is a poll rammed with all manner of passive-aggressive neediness and belligerence, but what do the phrases really mean?  Here are some of the most annoying, decoded.

• ‘Not sure if you saw my last email’
Perhaps you were busy at lunch, or having a nice time with your children or visiting your sick mother.  Whatever it was, I am more important.  Please work until you are dead.

• ‘Per my last email’
I use the word “per” now, because I want my vaguely legal-sounding vocabulary to create fear deep in your stupid bovine heart.

• ‘Per our conversation’
I am creating a paper trail, because this entire project is about to go belly up and I definitely want everyone to know that this whole mess is exclusively your fault, even though it is probably mine.

• ‘Any updates on this?’
I am phrasing this as a question because screaming “I DEMAND IMMEDIATE UPDATES!” makes me look deranged.

• ‘Sorry for the double email’
I am not sorry. I like sending double emails. They make me feel powerful. Tomorrow I am going to send you a triple email, and I won’t be sorry about that, either. 

• ‘Please advise’
I am washing my hands of this whole tawdry cock-up and dumping all responsibility on to you. 

• ‘As previously stated’
I cannot believe you ignored one of my statements. Can you imagine if Noah had ignored God’s statement about the flood? I want you to place similar importance on a spreadsheet about office fittings that I will never even look at.

• ‘As discussed’
“Discussed” obviously means “demanded.”  Fear me.

• ‘Re-attaching for convenience’
I do not just want to clog up your inbox with unnecessary reminders; I also want to clog up your inbox with documents you already own.  Feel free to cry at your desk at the earliest convenience. 

Courtesy of The Irish Times

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